poetry in commotion...

LATE NIGHT BLOGNESS

Its 3am in the morning, but I can't sleep. Why should you care? Because its ME! Anyway, I've been 21 for about a week now, and as shocking as it may be, I have to say it feels exactly like when I was 20. I know! Wow! However, as I think about this passing of a milestone I realise that I've gone through many changes over my life, some small, some big, and its through life and my experiences that I'm the person I am today, a little older, a little wiser. And as I was just thinking about my cousin (he's 12), remembering what I was like at his age, I had an epiphany: I have a duty to teach these kids. Those fresh faced youngsters, reaching into that moody phase of adolescence, when, to tell the truth, no one really likes them. Those heady days where you've outgrown most of tendencies of being a kid, but too immature to be taken seriously by adults, where you're the only one that truly knows whats going on, and no one ever understands you. Of course, I've tried to impart my wisdom to my little cousin, but he doesn't seem to be interested in how to be cool in high school, how to get girls to like him, or who would win in a fight between Scooby Doo and Pikachu (assuming no scooby snacks). Pikachu would of course, because he has QUICK ATTACK, but I can debate that later. So I've decided, over the next several months, I'm going to record for posterity, Jason's Pearls of Wisdom (c), which you are more than free to print out and give to those loved ones reaching that crazy stage of raging hormones and uniform conformity. If only I had such help when I was 13! Of course these are all from a guy's perspective, but, well, I'm a guy, so I guess that's no surprise. Of course these gems of knowledge aren't limited only to the young uns, so feel free to educate yourself on things you probably should know, but never bothered with. So here I begin my project of social education; to teach these kids (and young adults) important lessons that they can use for the rest of their life!

I'll start with one of the most important area any red blooded adolescent male needs to learn as much as possible about:The Fairer Sex. These strange creatures will always have a prominent impact upon any guy's life, so naturally its important to learn what makes them tick as soon as possible. So the following are Pearls of Wisdom I've learnt about women, of which the young (and old) can learn from! "But Jase!" I hear you interject, "You have all the appeal of a young Rove Mcmanus...what makes you qualified to teach about such a subject?". That's a very very good question. Moving along, lets get straight to it!

FEMALES (The Ones With Breasts But No Penises, At Least You Hope Not Unlike One Unfortunate Discovery In Thailand Of Which We Will Never Speak Of Again So You Better Check Just In Case). tentative title.


1) Base everything on looks. Personality is overrated. If you're lucky you two won't be doing much talking that doesn't involve really dirty pillow talk after the first couple of dates. Plus, no amount of staying up into the wee hours of the morning talking about life, love and the world will ever amount to the looks on your friends faces when you bring in a hottie with an ass any man would gladly give his right arm for just to have one squeeze. Don't forget the strut and the smug grin. Need I say more?

2) Never EVER tell the truth to a woman. They expect you to lie to them, so don't disappoint. The truth will never get you anywhere other than a world of hurt, so be prepared to weave an intricate web of lies that will no doubt catch up to you one day. Think of it as a poker game. You've gone deep and the only thing you're holding is a worthless trash pair. Bluff your way out with one outrageous lie after another, not matter how extraordinary these lies are. Don't be afraid to rope in your friends to back up your fantastic claims. This is important. Read rule 2 again just in case. However, theres sometimes exceptions to the rule...

3) Womens' appearances. This is the only exception to rule 2. Everyone knows women are incredibly secure with their appearance, and welcome honest comments about their height, weight, or what they're wearing. Don't be afraid to tell them if they've packed on a few pounds, or that they look slovenly and unkempt. They'll thank you for it, trust me.

4)Don't expect to ever feel safe being in the front passenger seat in the car of your significant other. Also, pack sandwiches and drinks if going anywhere that isn't a shopping mall or beauty saloon. You have to trust me on this one too. Next, the truly important part...sex!

5) Ah...sex. Don't ever bother with romantic gestures like heartfelt poems, flowers, or simply saying "I love you". Women are uncomfortable by such gestures. Simply take them for granted and just have sex as often as you can. Similarly, they have no patience for foreplay or cuddling. Go straight for the gullyhole, and always pressure for anal (oooh I'm going to be in trouble for that one :P ). However, sometimes the truth can hurt...

6) Size Matters. Sorry. Nope, she faked it. Yup, pretty sure. Don't argue.

It's getting late so I'll leave it for tonight. However, lucky for you guys (again), I'll answer a couple commonly asked questions before I go.

Q) "I really like this girl I met a couple of weeks back, and we've hit it off really well. However, I told her I was a litigation lawyer. I'm really just a janitor. I'm thinking of telling her the truth, I'm sure she can accept me for who I am. What do you think?"

A) No, no, no, no NO. See rule 2. Get yourself a nice looking suit, rent a convertible, and if possible get your mates to pretend to be wealthy clients. LIE YOUR WAY OUT. You can keep up this charade forever. If she really does find out, tell her you're actually a Psych major, but were too embarassed to tell her. The beauty of it is that she'll understand (believe me, we all understand) and won't bother to check (theres so damn many of them), and it also explains why you're a janitor. Eureka!

Q) "I really want to take my girlfriend for granted, but I've got feelings for her. Maybe I should actually give her the love and attention she deserves".

A) You've got it all wrong. Women aren't real people like us. If it helps, think of them like a widescreen TV or a Sony Playsation 2. Good entertainment, and a harmless way to pass time. Be careful though, because your Sony Playstation won't tell all the other Playstations how small you are and how you only lasted 40 seconds, including your pathetic attempt at foreplay, so try not to piss them off. Feed them a cliche line everyonce in awhile to keep them happy. Unfortunately, this may mean having to watch Sleepless in Seattle, While You Were Sleeping, or You've Got Mail every once in awhile.

Q) "You've just rehashed the same generic gender vs gender comedic crap that was all the rage back in the 80's, and I bet next week you're going to play the race vs race card too. Can't you think up of anything of your own?"

A) No, because everyone else does it too, but they get millions for it. Do I sound bitter? Anyway, this is a country where a person like Rove can have a show that garners high ratings every tuesday night. This place isn't exactly a Mecca for comedy. I bet you're white. You whiteys can't dance or tell funny jokes, unlike black people....

Thats me out for tonight, byeeeeeeeeee

posted by jaseypoo! @ 3:05 AM