hysteria
I woke up slightly irritable, kicking at the sheets before realising where I was. I rolled out of bed onto a strategically placed stack of cds, cracking some in the process. Shit. I swore again and kicked them away from me. Damn it, damn it, damn it. It was one of those days again, where I wake up hating everything and everyone. Shit, shit shit - I was having my period.
Interesting fact - hysteria comes from the Greek word hystera, first used in the medical diagnosis known as female hysteria. There was no male equivalent. Symptoms included "unexplainable irritability and tendency to cause trouble", to which the cure was "pelvic massage" (ie, masturbation)until "hysterical paroxysms" (ie, coming like a steam train). Alas, backward retreats in medical science have meant that female hysteria is no longer a recognised medical condition and considered hokey science. Some speculate this is the original source of where,when two men are discussing an unexplainably (at least to the men) irritable woman, one of them will inevitable say something along the lines of "sounds like what she needs is a good fuc-". Less interesting fact - whenever any guy says to me "I reckon she's gagging for it", I inwardly wince and die a little on the inside. I've said it a few times though, mostly when roaring drunk. I blame society.
I could never explain why I get these moods, much like how I could explain my need to have to express precisely how I feel about a particular subject or situation. Like how the recent The Cops concert + music was a tedious romp through the familiar landmarks of pop mediocrity. I didn't hate it that much, and I tried to enjoy it, but I'm not much good at hiding how I feel. It got me thinking though. Why do I get these? Why do these persist? and why, deep down, do I relish doing that? That the anger and disatisfaction keeps me grounded, and keeps me driving towards my goals...that saying exactly how I feel is the perfect catharsis to the whiter-than-white-politically-correct-positive-affirmative-action neutered speech of our times, where words have no edge, and reading between the lines is not so much an advantage as a necessity?
"I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick" says Sam, Natalie Portman's character in Garden State. And it holds true for me. I recognize my faults, and I recognise that these faults are impediments to being that Great Person I want to strive to be.
But you know what? Maybe I don't want to change. Maybe I see that as who I am, even if I realise it's a fault. It's the imperfections that make us as a person. Like a birthmark, or nervous tick. We may hate it, we may wish to rid ourselves of it, but deep down, its indelibly as much a part of who we view ourselves as the hair on our head and the fingers on our hands. That these moods are the yin to my sunny side congenial yang that I experience most of the time, much like what my hard edged honesty keeps me sharp for what some of you mistake for wit in other conversations.
"Wo yao cho hao ren", meaning "I want to be a good person". However, maybe a little bad is good for a person. It helps us recognise what true good is.
posted by jaseypoo! @ 8:31 PM
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