poetry in commotion...

This is about Tanya

I walked into the Subi Hotel,scanning around anxiously until I caught saw Her. Inside my chest, my heart skipped a beat.  She was still as pretty as ever.  I quickly turned around, my nervousness getting the better of me, lamely telling the guys it was time for a drink, but they would have none of that - they pushed me forward, the momentum propelling me a little closer, but not by much.  My feet, disobeying the yammering voice in my head, kept me slowly walking forward, pushing past the throng of people whom were probably her friends.  I didn't care.  I only had eyes for her.

She caught sight of me, her eyes widening in surprise, her body shaking with glee, her silken floral dress shimmering around her like she was some sort of vivid, crazy, beautiful mirage, before jumping into my arms with utter abandon as I lifted her around.  I didn't want to let go.

This is how I saw Tanya again after two years.

Tanya.  A name spoken among my close circle of friends with a knowing look and wink, fingers tapping the side of their noses, as if to say, we know brother, we know. The Sally to my Harry, Juliet to Romeo, Cleopatra to Caesar, a curse and a gift that I want to rid of yet at the same time, never let go.  Tanya.  A name that conjures up so many different feelings that would take me weeks to sift through.

I first met her in the first couple of weeks of uni, at a terrible ASIA club freshman mixer that Ken had convinced Cor, Chris and myself to go to.  I went because I wanted to hit on his then-girlfriend (a fact unknown to me at the time).  I remember standing there, the group of us, a plastic cup of weak punch in my hand, wondering if they would play anything other than terrible R&B and hip hop.  Two girls ran up to us, greeting Jo (Ken's then-girlfriend) with a wave and laugh.  One of them turned around, saw the glowstick hanging off my necklace, and proceeded to play with it, making lightsaber noises and twirling it around as I looked on in equal parts amusement and confusion.  As I pondered this, a R&B song started playing on the dance floor, sending the two girls into hysterics.  The girl dropped my glowstick, grabbed my hand and dragged me to the dance floor, where I proceeded to flounder around hopelessly trying to dance for the next 3 to 4 minutes.  She didn't know my  name, and had only met me 2 minutes ago.

This is how I met Tanya.

We didn't see each other again until two weeks later, where we found ourselves in the same Asian Studies tute class, ironically also attended by John's future fiance (she left that year to study law in Notre Dame, where she still studies there today).   She sat next to me and wrote me notes in class, and drew on my arm.  I was bewildered - I'd only met her once before in my life, and she was already taking liberties with my body.  We got to know each other.  I found her full of life, a little miss sunshine whose vivaciousness and ability to take joy from anything quite unlike any other girl I'd ever met before.  She found in me a kindred spirit, with a cheeky irreverence she hadn't found in anybody else. 

One day I participated in a psych experiment (a pseudo compulsory, it was worth 20% of my psych grade), where the objective was to bombard the subject with insults or compliments for prolonged periods of time.  As my luck would have it, I drew the bad, and for four hours I was bombarded with insults.  You have no real friends, they are only using you.  You are ugly.  No one will ever love you.  And you'd think it a simple matter to laugh it off, but for four hours?  That was the point of course - it had to be long enough to record the effect on me. When the experiment was finished they sent me out without so much as a thank you have a nice fucking day.  It was 4 o'clock, and I felt like the best thing I could do for humanity was to jump off a very tall building somewhere. 

I desperately needed company, and called up all my friends, to no avail.  They'd all gone home.  There was never another moment where I desperately needed the company, and I was all alone.  I wandered into the foodhall, by myself, resigned to somehow eat my sorrow away until my next and final class.  There was a tap on my shoulder.  When I turned around, she was standing there.  She greeted me with a smile, and when she saw how I was, she asked me what was wrong.  I told her.  She sat down with me, and even though she didn't have any more class, and it was dark and late, and she could've gone home, she kept me company until my next class, slowly cheering me up until I no longer felt like the most useless appendage of the student body.  The next day, she ran up to me in between classes and passed me a handwritten note (to which I still have today).  It said:

1)Your friends are not using you, they only think about using you

2) When you do fail, it's always with immense grace and dignity

3) You, me and Natalie Portman..use your imagination!

Hugs and kisses, Tanya.

This is how I fell for Tanya.

Of course, there were a great many things in between and after, but that was the day that would have a profound impact on my life from then until now.  She got me in ways no other girl did.  Some girls were offended by my trademark sex jokes and pseudo-sleaziness - when she was living in Japan, she mailed me all the explicit porno ads she received in her mail.  She'd even translated them for me.  What others took as arrogance, she correctly interpreted as self deprecation.   I didn't have to censor my jokes not to offend her.  I didn't have to dress like a pretty boy to look good in her eyes. She didn't care that I was at times a total dork.  I loved Star Wars and Natalie Portman, so did she. She understood me, perhaps not entirely, but more than any other girl ever has.

You're probably wondering, if she's so goddamn perfect, why didn't you ask her out?  She'd been seeing this guy since high school.  Longterm.  And while I would've given anything in the world to have a chance at her, I'm also too honourable a gentleman to ever cut another man's lunch, no matter how much I wanted to.  So instead I tried to distance myself from her, because I knew I could never find someone else while she was still in my life.  I went out, asked other girls out.  Went on a few dates, that sort of thing.  But inevitably I found myself comparing every girl I met to her, and in that regard found them wanting.  Of course, those I found that were unlike Tanya yet I was attracted to ended up dumping me anyway, so I guess it doesn't really make a difference.  How do you find another person as unique as Tanya?  Hell, how the hell do you find a girl that can put up with someone as unique as me?

That's why I hadn't seen her in two years (barring this?).  I never stopped thinking about her though.  I picked up the phone to call her a few times, but I always chickened out in the end.  I reasoned that if I didn't see her again, she would fade into a distant memory.  And that kind of worked...until one day 2 weeks ago, when she sent me an email out of the blue to tell me she's moving to Singapore, and that she was having  drinks at the Subi Hotel to see everyone off.  So I went.  I had to.

I burned every image and sensation of her into my memory that night, the way she danced, her hair plastered on her forehead from her exuberant dancing. The way she smiled and laughed, our faces so close I almost leant over to kiss her. The feel of her and her silk dress in my arms, the flowery scent she had, and the sound of her voice in my ear.  Memories to last me a lifetime, though even now the memory has faded, if only a little - less real somehow.

This is how I'll remember Tanya.

And this is the first and last time I'll post about Tanya.

Goodnight.

P.S - Pete, Dan, Brendan - you guys totally had my back out there when I needed the support the most, and for that I'll always be grateful.  You are my brothers.

posted by jaseypoo! @ 11:32 PM