poetry in commotion...

consequence of sounds

"Mom, how would you rate your honey chicken?" I asked at dinner tonight.

"Not bad" she responded.  "Somewhere around seven".

"I think you're an amazing cook" I declared loyally, knowing that even as I spoke those words, silent alarm bells were no doubt ringing in her head.  I was right.

"What do you want?" she accused me, her eyes narrowing slightly even as she couldn't help but be slightly flattered at the rare compliment.  I think my mom is amazing.  I just never tell her that.  It keeps her expectations from me as a son reliably low.

"Well...I want you to teach me how to cook".

"What for? You've never shown an interest before".

I laughed.  "Isn't it obvious? It's about a girl".

She looked a bit surprised. She was either surprised I was being so candid, or perhaps surprised that I wasn't in fact a homosexual.  "A girl? who is it? Why? "

"It doesn't matter - will you teach me or not?"

She gave me an amused look.

"It's for love mom".  I thought it'd sway her.

She laughed.  "You're a man, you don't believe in love".

I just grinned at her, "Lust, love, you know what I mean".

I've been busy with work, but I won't bore you with that.  It is however a poor excuse for why I haven't been updating.  Often the last thing you want to do when working all day is to sit down in front of the computer and try to think of somehing witty to say.  I used all my wit during the day, though those relatively rested in witticisms could wryly liken that to a satchet of butter over a large loaf of bread.

So I've built up this reputation at work for being the office comedian, without actually realising it.  I guess I pulled off a great performance in that company workshop a few weeks ago.  Either way, the flattery directed my way has no doubt inflated my ego and made myself believe I'm more hilarious than I actually am.  I've been trying to be careful - often professionalism and my desire to make people laugh are mututally exclusive, but I think I've struck the right balance.  At any rate, it makes doing my job easier if people inexplicably find me likeable - though making friends is its own reward.

Still, I can't quite shake the feeling I'm still coasting through life, still waiting for something.  Going to work feels like going to uni (when I did that is), going to high school, going to primary school.  It feels like I'm just sitting around waiting for the next phase of my life to start.  That just feels wrong somehow.  We're in the big bad world now, the rest of our life so to speak, yet it feels like it hasn't started.  Maybe I'm finally discovering a fundamental part of life - that this is it, that there's really never been phases in life, we just make it up as we go along.  And that if you sit around all your life waiting for something to happen, you'll miss out on all the good things happening in the meantime.

That probably explains my widespread dissatisfaction with things the way they are at the moment, in terms of my personal life.  My heart was telling me things my brain chose to ignore.  But I'm getting out more, branching out.  Someitmes you come to the realisation that you have to do some things yourself, and that the path you walk sometimes means it takes you away from others that used to tread the same path.

I've told many people this many times, but sooner or later I'll have to do it.  Leave Perth.  Find a new shore to call home.  I can't stay in Perth forever...

I think I like Regina Spektor...but I'm not so sure.  She's making train sounds as I type this.  Still, I love Fidelity and Samson, from her latest album Begin to Hope, which the more I listen to, the more I like.  Fidelity is the featured song for this week, found in the usual place, music player on the right.  Enjoy! 

posted by jaseypoo! @ 10:53 PM