Transcript of Ali G's Speech to Harvard
Ali G Goes Ivy League
2004 Harvard University Commencement Speech
"Booyakasha - Professor G indahouse aiii. Big shout out de Harvard massiv [THROW UP 'H'> I iz done a capital 'H', coz Harvard iz a place innit - u see I ain't no ignoranus. Things like 'apple' and 'orange' do not start with a capital letter, unless dey iz at de start of a sentence - but some of you brainboxes probably know dat already innit. Me name be Ali G and me represent de UK [DO SIGNS]. For those of u who didn't study geography de UK is a place over a 100 MILES away from here, de capital of it is? Anyone? Not u geography square! ....yes, it is Liverpool. U iz clever and quite fly if u don't mind me sayin. First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I weren't totally mashed. Normally de only public-speaking I does is to 12 people - and it's well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words 'not guilty'.
Checkit, me agreed to speak here today coz me wanted to talk to de brightest minds of our generation, to see what makes Harvard de most special university in de world, and also coz dey agreed to pay for me flight over here and hotel room. Sorry to bring dis up now, but when u iz told dat your hotel bill is bein paid for, u naturally assume dat dat includes essential extras like breakfast AND special interest pay-per-view movies. Imagine my surprise den dis morning, when I was given a bill for $164. Me was actually tryin to SAVE Harvard money by buying the 24-hour 'slutfest' packages at $19.99, rather dan paying for individual films at $11.99 each. Which would have cost u - [go thru them] Young and Tight....Backdoor Burglar 2......Backdoor Burglar 3.....Campus Confessions....Asian Fever...Shaven Buffet [get lost] twice dat one... Cold Mountain - dat was a mistake, Backdoor Burglar 4 ....almost 490 bucks. I mean come on, some of it was even research for dis, I iz sure one of de cheerleaders in 'Ivy League Amateurs' was wearin a Harvard sweatshirt.....infact...[TAKE OFF GLASSES AND LOOKS AT FEMALE STUDENT] allo darlin, respek - I expect u need a cushion to sit on, aiii.
Anyways I digest. It iz a well big honour to be arksed ere today. To fink dat so many great people has been educated ere like Lyndon Banes Johnson, or as he is better known - JFK, George Clinton was also ere I fink , and de one before him, and also...William Tell - is he one of your lot, probably, and dat bloke wiv de hat, but most importantly dat really fit honey from Star Wars - if u iz out dere, me'd love to - me iz stayin at de Best Western Hotel - me's got a really nice room, altho since dis morning dem has put a parental lock on de tv.
As I stand here today lookin at all of you, on this, your first day of university - I fink of all de fings me can offer you - wisdom, experience but most importantly of all 22 ounces of de finest Morrocan chronic. Well, Dat iz if de Ex-Lax works - to be honest I usually go at 11 in de morning - but nothing dere - infact me'd appreciate it if one medical students here wouldn't mind takin a look. Don't worry it's clean as a whistle, u could eat your lunch of it - infact meJulie has. [TAKE OFF GLASSES AND LOOKS AT STUDENT AGAIN] I know u don't mind dat kind of fing does u.
Hearmenow, u iz de most cleverest students in America - some of u iz probably brilliant at counting - ye know...1,2,3...4.... I could continue...easy. Others of u will be brilliant at English - have memorised de whole alphabet 'a to x' and even be able to spell words like 'hippototamus'.
I iz also well clever - me was so brainy dat me finished me education 6 years before any of u - at de age of 15 - de teachers had to admit dat dere was nothing else dat dem could teach me. U students has come from every corner of de US from de rainforests of Arizona to de deserts of Alaska. Some of you iz probably never even seen a black man before.......allo
Dere is all types of people ere, and it's fantastic to see dat Harvard has finally let in so many women. A lot of u iz probably feminists or as we call dem in England 'lezzas'. I agree wiv u, dat u gotta treat women wiv respec - its de least dat bitches deserve.
Relationships should be brought into dis -de 20th centrury - u women out dere shouldn't have to do de cookin and de cleanin when u come home from work - u should do it before u leave in de morning.
But more importantly it's wikid dat in Harvard young women and men gets to learn so many amazing subjects.
Some of u here will have been studying medicine...dat knowledge come wiv a lot of responsibilities. Remember, doctors is some of de most powerfulest people in de world - u can give life, u can cure disease and u can ask to see a woman's [whistle] wivout getting slapped.
For those of u studying history, u probably learnt a lot about de Presidents. Like who was Jefferson, and what did Lincoln give America - apart from de town car.
Some of u iz de best legal students in de country. U would know wivout even thinking, how to get someone off a charge of possession. And if any of u do, then can me remind u - Room 204 at the Best Western. Just do me a favour put your ear to de door, and don't come in if u hears me shouting 'Natalie, play wiv me light saber'.
Let's talk about de finances of all dat k-nowledge dat's been dropped on u. It costs $38000 a year to go to Harvard. Now I don't know how u lot has earnt dat - [TO STUDENT AGAIN] apart from u - and u iz earnt every penny, but most of u iz got dat cash from your parents.
All you fathers out dere u iz made choices - wiv dat money u could have bought top of de range Lexus but instead u chose to invest in ya kids future. IZ U MENTAL? If u iz got other kids me hopes u don't make de same mistake again innit. Does u realise how many honeys u can get wiv a Lex. 'allo sweetness my son's got a Harvard degree' [FEMALE VOICE] 'wot, who cares'
Or [CAR NOISE, WINDOW DOWN, ELBOW OUT] allo darlin, wanna check out de dvd player in de back aiii.' [her] 'wot's dat?' [me] 'it's ostrich leather' [MIME BLOWJOB]. So students give it up for your parents.
Let's talk bout de future - your future. A lot of you iz probably worried bout employment. Unfortunately most of u WILL end up gettin jobs - especially now u iz got de burden of a degree.
You iz de elite, u will be tomorrow's captains of industry. Sittin infront of me is probly da next Bill Gates, Donald Trump...or even Ronald Mcdonald. And even if you can't all be Ronald himself, most of you iz probably McDonald's Team Leader material. By da way, if any of u ever gets to do business wiv Sir Ronald, a word of hadvice - don't mention de size of his feet....him iz well sensitive about it. Me mate Dave hactually met him, and he said dat even tho him may seem like he's always smiling, dere's a sadness in de eyes...coz of dem feet. All de money in de world - and science still can't do nothing. Maybe dat's something dat some of u M.I.T. nerds can fink about innit.
You lot will become powerful people who can change de future - and you need to, coz de world at de moment iz totally f-blank-blank-blank-ucked. Yeknow de word - I been told I ain't allowed to say it - u know [MIME FUCKING] - u know de rude word. U know [MIME FINGER SEX]. [TO STUDENT] U definitely know...wiv de whole team.
Anyhow, u iz gotta fink bout de problems in de world coz u iz gotta sort dem out innit. Look at da envirolment - global warming is so bad, dey say in 100 years time, all de rainforests will be gone and all de ice caps will have melted. Actually, 100 years time, we ain't gonna be around den, so don't need to worry about dat one.
But dere is other fings - look at de state of family today - girls is havin sex at younger ages, dere's an increase in absentee fathers and more and more people is havin affairs - but we shouldn't just concentrate on de good fings. Believing in something is easy. Actually doing something is harder. Actions speak louder dan birds.
U has all got de potential to become great americans. And remember America is de greatest country in de whole world ...apart from Jamaica...and Holland.. oh yeah and Thailand coz u got dose girls who do all de ye know [pop sound] and probly some others - but u iz definitely in de top 20. ?U people iz de future, u has de chance to change de world, to hactually improve de life of de poor, OR U could goto Wall Street and earn millionz - get plasma screen, chinchilla coat, a series of relationships wiv gold-digging hoes happy to de de most disgusting sexual favours for some bling. Don't waste de opportunity dat g-d has given you - see u in Wall Street.
Let's rap dis up now, coz I fink me feels somethin movin down below. So, what iz I hopin to take away wiv me from dis time in Harvard? - new friends, different ways of finking about de world, and as many laptops as me mate Dave has managed to nick from your dorms, while u has been sitting ere listening to me stalling.
But I has got ideals too. Just like de great civil rights leader Martin Luther...Van Dross, I has a dream...of little black girls and little white girls...playin wiv each other. Let's make it happen I look out and I see 1000s of people wiv different hopes and different dreams - but it is important never to forget where u all came from - becoz black, white, brown or pakistani we all come from de same place - de punani. Jah bless - bigupyaself Princeton...and keep it real... wesside."
Good Thinking Mom....
Posted by Hello
I'm Famous and Loved!
Sorta....
Anyway, I was feeling bored since
the Inquiry into increasing value added to Australian raw materials isn't exactly fascinating stuff, so I decided to google "Jaseypoo" to see how many others were out there
Try it yourself. Look at the second entry. That's right. Yours Truly's blog. Accept no imitations Ladies and Gentlemen :P
Oh yeah, I have some rabid fan on this journal. The number of times she mentions "I love jase" or some equivalent is positively sickening. It also doesn't help I suspect her of being a furry (entry number 9).
OMFG THEY ARE FURRIES, AND "SHE" IS A HE!!! It's some fictional gay furry
livejournal. ROFL.
I'm going to bed now.
goodbye.
I once said we all walk certain paths in life, we meet new people on our paths, we lose the old ones when we walk different paths. Sometimes, it's never easy, but in the end we'll look back upon our memories and realise it was never as bad as it seemed back then.
Have a Fun Saturday Night Peoples
I'm currently waiting on dinner so I thought I'd type a few quick words.
I've been told I'm a natural leader, and that I'm charismatic, which are very flattering words and would
almost make me feel good if it wasn't for the fact that I believe it's a whole crock of crap.
However, if by perchance it is true, now is the time to cash in on my popularity.
Therefore, if you've been on MSN lately, you would've noticed that I'm starting a "Jaseypoo Fan Club". Sounds inviting isn't it? I know it does to me :P
What you get:
1.) Fame by association
2.) Possibly a monthly or bi annual newsletter featuring ways on how to crush my enemies, or further my evil plot for galactic domination
3.) A cookie when you see me.
WOW! Sounds awesome! But what does it cost?
I say to you, Ladies and Gentlemen, absolutely
NOTHING at all, 'cept to pledge a lifetime of service to me. Cool huh?
Anyway, hope you're having lots of fun on this saturday night, and while it looks like everybody has bailed once again, leaving me wondering why I bother trying to organise anything, I'm sure my last night out until after my exams (Nov 19th for those interested) will somehow regain momentum...
Bai bai maens and wimmaens!
P.S I already have 5 or 6 in my fan club, beat the rush!
P.P.S
Star Wars Rap - may take long for the non broadband equipped.
Censorship Post...Censored?
I know it's late, don't look at the time. I wrote up a pretty long rant about censorship, but after reading it, and editing it, I'm still pretty unhappy with what I wrote. Maybe you guys might think otherwise if you read it, but I am my own worse critic, and I can't post a work I'm unhappy with. Call it taking pride in my work, or call me a perfectionist, but I just can't post something I think still needs a revision, so hence, I'll be shelving plans to rant about censorship. Most of you probably don't care, but I just thought I'd mention it, just in case someone does. I guess this is a clue why I don't really share my creative writings anymore.
It's just a fucking post, not a thesis on the legalisation of dictatorship.I know, but I for some reason, my writing has to be worded correctly, has to be
just right, before someone can read them. When it comes to important topics you don't just write some half assed rant that rambles on about nothing, you have to research it, word it correctly, so people know what your point is. I think
Planet Papers is a good example of what I mean, and actually I find very fascinating reads...the more intellectual side of me that is. I still find
Sluggy funny, so I'm very much a conflicted man :P
um, normally I would post some hot chick as filler, but after the "Rachel Bilson in hotpants" picture I've been told by an anonymous person that "
no real girl dresses like that", so I won't risk her wrath by posting hawt chix. Not this time anyway hehehehe. There you go, censorship :P
So uh, here's a pic NASA never released, stolen from SomethingAwful.
OMG IT'S A BEAR!!
Posted by Hello
News from Mike!!
Not sure about anyone else, but I received the following email from Mike on friday night;
hi jas having lots of fun up in scotland now the tigers didnt workout. What going on with u what happening back home.What can i say? he's not exactly a verbose person when it comes to emails and phone conversations.
Luckily, I had the pleasure of meeting and talking to his parents last saturday and monday, so I can tell you in slightly more detail what's been happening in his travels. As the email might indicate, he's left the Tigers (though for the life of me I can't remember which city) because they couldn't guarantee him any game time, though they were quite eager for him to stay. Of course, if all he was doing was training and not playing, its not exactly a very fun way to spend your time, so he's switched to another club somewhere in scotland, though for the life of me I can't remember which city. Life would be so much easier for me if I remembered these things, as I wouldn't upset as many people by forgetting details that people think I should remember.
Anyway, he's apparently 'going with the flow', but having fun, so hopefully we'll hear from him again soon.
"If you think rape should be legal, then don't vote"
Wise words from Cameron Diaz.
One thing I find so amusing about America, the so called Land of the Free, is that for a country that meddles so much in the events of other, sovereign nations, as a whole, a lot of them have nothing to do with choosing the next President.
Which is fair enough, since civic responsibility isn't exactly something you can always instill into the common man.
However, what has been amusing me more than normal recently, is the great lengths the entertainment industry have been going to trying to get the ~50-55% of the populace that don't vote, to vote. The thing is though, their methods of trying to convince people to vote is perhaps the most amusingly ill concieved and disastrously implemented civil campaigns that I have had the priviledge of watching.
Take for example, the MTV music awards. While I was unhappy that Modest Mouse did not win the category they were nominated for, and a little irritated by the posing of various "hip-pop" artists that is the norm in Hollywood, it was more than compensated for by the "Vote or Die" slogan they started to parade near the end of the show, as they try to convince the MTV generation to vote for something more worthwhile than which artist rehashing the same old tired rnb tunes while chanting about 'hitting it one more time' is worthy to win some worthless trophy for a category that generally makes a mockery of music as an art form.
Wait a second. "Vote or Die"?
What in the
hell does that mean? Are they going to send some US Gestapo to your door in the middle of the night and drag you away, all because you don't vote? Or maybe it means the presidential candidate that loses this next election will personally send you an envelope full of military grade anthrax? What in the hell does it
mean?
Now, I'm all for trying to instill civic responsibility in a nation far far away, even if the most of you don't. Why, you ask? because, if the country in question is a hyperpower, and has the propensity to meddle in world politics, as well as flout international opinion when it suits itself, it is in your best interest to make sure it elects a leader that does not see the world as some kind of playground, filled with smaller, candy laden kids. The thing is though, if you're trying to instil any sort of responsibility/duty to a person, the first step is to make sure you don't treat them like an idiot, even if most of the time, they are.
Then you have the actors, role models for the young and old alike, espousing the righteousness of going out there to vote, and why its important to do so, yet falling flat on their face and setting themselves up to be ridiculed by the idiotic and plainly absurd statements that they love to spew forth from their uninformed mouths. In the end, their efforts generally fall under "almost made it toots, but no cigar" category. Some have made an admirable effort. Uma Thurman, for example. In her acceptance speech for some teen awards show a long time ago, she urged the young adults to vote. Simple as that. No stupid slogan, no idiotic statements, just a simple speech telling the kids o make their voice be heard. It also works because, as a young adult, its often a struggle to be taken seriously by adults. That speech taps into this latent desire to be recognised as an adult, so it works.
What was the point of all this? To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. It started off as a post about something that amused me, albeit humour that falls more under the "intellectual man" humour instead of the fart jokes and slapstick antics you normally see on television, but turned out to be part political/social commentary in the end. I guess you can see it as the display of conflicting sides of a complex man hidden in a 'dag' i think the word for me was. I'll try to be more consistent in the future.
Next post, I'll do something on censorship, so stay tuned for that!
<3 jaseypoo!
EDIT: RIP Superman Christopher Reeves,
1952-2004Now you can truly fly.
Well all the apostles-they’re sitting in swings
Saying I’d sell off my savior for a set of new rings
I'm Back!
Hey all, I'm finally all recovered from the pestilential bug that laid me low this entire week. As my mom says, it's a sure sign of recovery if I'm feeling well enough to make wisecracks about her cooking. Not her exact words of course, but you get the idea.
She's probably just disappointed her fiendish ploy to bump me off failed. I laugh at her feeble attempts, it takes more than some lab manufatured bio weapon to defeat me.
Anyway, just a post to let you all know I'm still alive, with only just a cough to show for all that illness....
So I'm back, try to restrain your joy to a publically acceptable level.
